Goodbye 2018

You began with such hope that we would become parents.
You progressed with solidarity and education as we meet other prospective adoptive parents and learnt about our potential.
You encouraged me at work with opportunities to develop my teaching skills.
You gave us nice times together and with family and friends.
Then March and April happened.
We were forced to move out of the flat we thought would be the home to bring home our child.
We were dealt a blow from the adoption agency that would plunge us into depths of heartbreak we didn't know existed.
We would not become parents this year.
We don't know if we will ever become parents.
We struggled in our marriage and in our relationships with friends and family.
Work started to be a struggle- teaching opportunities were taken away as quickly as they came, people were mean.
We struggled to come to terms with all that happened.
There were good things.
We found a great flat to move to and were blessed with friends to help.
I had a job created for me where I can exercise my mother heart everyday.
We discovered the blessing of a retreat holiday that refreshed our relationships with God.
I embraced my fundraising challenge and raised£2000 for 12 different charities.
We found ways to revitalise our relationship.
But then you got hard again.
Family health issues heightened.
My new job was threatened with change which plunged me into depths of work stress I've never faced.
I had to deal with difficult people without much support.
Memories of the failed adoption plagued my mind and took over.
Our relationship suffered hugely again.
I was plunged into darkness.
It has ended with little glimmers of light in the darkness, some bright flashes of hope.
My biggest stress at work is over and my job is safe again.
My family received some miraculous health news.
Our relationship has benefited hugely from some rest and time away.
We have had lovely times with family.
People have reacted with love and support since I opened up about my struggles and darkness.
We know it's not god's will for us to adopt and I'm ok with that (sometimes!).
I have hope to pray for my miracle again.
I have realised that this year has been a year where I have deepened friendships and relied on people and, most importantly for me, helped people.
You were not the year I thought you would be. You were hard, impossibly so at times. But I am coming out of you stronger than I was at the start.
Goodbye 2018.

A whole mess of stuff!

I'm writing this post in the midst of Christmas celebrations and stress. This morning I attended and took part in our churches Nativity service. It was full of children dressed up and enjoying Christmas, as it should be. For me however it was incredibly hard. We normally avoid the Nativity service but this year there was a signed sing and the special needs groups I help in were part of it so I had to be there. This time last year we had just submitted our adoption paperwork and had our date come through for our preparation course. We were thinking that we would be bringing our own little shepherd or donkey to the Nativity service this year. However, in April our adoption process came to an abrupt end. In recent weeks we have come to the decision that adoption is not god's plan for us. The reasons behind that decision are for another post but it's a hard one to come to terms with especially at Christmas.
Several of the couple's who were on the adoption preparation course with us now have their little ones home with them and we don't. It hurts. I'm struggling largely because I feel like we're old news. Oh look that childless couple are finding Christmas hard... Again! I feel like I want to run away and hide.
I'm under an awful lot of pressure at work at the moment which doesn't help things but I feel like I live in a permanent state of stress and sadness. My relationship with my husband is tense and my relationship with God is just holding on by a thread. I'm praying for a miracle (a baby) but I have absolutely no belief that God answers my prayers for myself. I can't really pray for others either. I know God is there and loves me and wants to comfort me but I don't understand why he never comes through. Have I done something wrong? Am I not praying right? I try and try and get stress at work and nowhere with my fertility. I'm trying to have a relationship with God but I don't really know how to when I feel like this. If I'm honest I feel very alone in all this and don't know where to turn. There are counseling services, support groups and online forums for people going through miscarriage but I've found nothing for people going through failed adoption. Every time I've mentioned it in online support groups people have just told me not to give up and try another agency. But that's not where we're at, I just want support. This is hard, especially at Christmas when children and happiness are all around me.

Advent- Hannah 1

her husband Elkanah said to her, “Hannah, why are you crying? Why won’t you eat? Why are you so sad? You have me. Isn’t that better than having even ten sons?”
1 Samuel 1:8 ERV

This verse demonstrates the dilemma every infertile person faces- how to be happy with the blessings you have in life when you don't have the one thing you overwhelming desire- a child. I'm not sure I have any wise words on this topic as it's something I'm particularly struggling with at the moment. We're in a place now where we've decided to pray for a miracle whilst also finding ways to live as a family of two. Essentially we've stopped trying. I'm under an awful lot of stress at work just now which has exasperated my anxiety which in turn has made me more susceptible to feelings of bitterness and jealousy when I see pregnant people and young families. I feel the longing to have a child of my own ever so strongly just now and am struggling to be thankful for all the wonderful blessings in my life. It's hard to see the good things when all I see is what I long for but haven't got. This is also a tough area for me right now because I'm having a major wobble in my faith so struggle to see things as blessings from God. I'm finding it hard to pray to a God who I no longer think answers my prayers. I guess this is a work in progress for me.

Advent- Rebekah

I've not posted on here much this year, it's been quite a year. We thought we'd end this year as parents but instead we're ending it coming to terms with the fact that we are likely to never be parents. To help focus my mind and sort out my headspace I've decided to write a blog post each day in advent. The posts will be based around a different infertility themed Bible verse or character.

Day 1-Rebekah
Genesis 25:21
Isaac prayed to the Lord on behalf of his wife, because she was childless. The Lord answered his prayer, and his wife Rebekah became pregnant.

If I'm honest I struggle with this verse. Lots of people, including my husband have prayed for me because I am childless and I've not become pregnant, or I've lost the babies I have carried. I used to find hope in this verse and others like it but 7 years in I now find it tough. Did we not pray right or well enough? So we not have enough faith? I guess what this verse does for me now is remind me that God's timing is not ours, His ways are not our ways. It may be His will for us to wait years and then have a baby, it may be His will for us to never have children of our own but to act in a parental role to other people's children. We don't know. But I do know that, despite it feeling like God has let us down, he hasn't and he never does. In all this suffering He is still good, still God and still on His throne in control.

Everything's changing but...

I'm struggling today. In fact I've been struggling for quite a few days now. From the outside you'd think I should be happy and excited as the are lots of new things happening in my life. We moved into a lovely new flat a month or so ago, I started an evening course on Tuesday to train as a pastry chef and next week I start a new job. Everything is changing but we still don't have children. I don't know if we will ever have children. I thought I was ok with being a family of two but I just seem to be fighting back the tears all the time these days.
This morning Neil and I were helping out with the group for special needs kids at church. Seeing Neil running around and interacting with the kids was heartbreaking. We should have been getting ready to adopt our own child who would quite likely have had special needs. For some reason I've had that awful meeting playing over in my head all week. Everything's just painful again.
I'm excited for all the new stuff in my life it's just overwhelming.
I was standing in church this morning watching all the families with their children, babies and baby bumps and just felt like everyone was moving forward and I was standing still. All I wanted was a hug. I'm really struggling to be grateful for what I have got and not just be devastated that we haven't got a child.
Neil is going away for two nights tonight for work and I'm really sad that that will leave just me in the flat. I'm sure I'll enjoy time to myself but it's not where I thought I'd be at 35.
We're trying naturally at the moment and not getting anywhere, life is just hard sometimes!

A Mother's Heart

We have recently returned from camping with others from our church and churches from across the UK and beyond at the Catalyst festival. It was a valuable few days for both Neil and I but I wouldn't say I enjoyed it. We faced many challenges, not least having to bail water out of our tent in our pyjamas for an hour before we could start our day on the first full day there. We were tested as a couple and as individuals but we came through stronger than we started. For me personally I think God was speaking to me about three things.

My dreams will wait: I need to grieve first.

Since finding out, about a month ago, that we would not be able to adopt and consequently I am likely to never be 'Mummy' I have resurrected another dream I have held nearly as long as the dream to have a child. My dream is to open a cake or chocolate shop or cafe and use it to employ people with a learning disability and teach them to make all sorts of items well and let them use their creativity and learn business skills. Almost immediately after I found out I wouldn't be a Mum I started researching how I can make this dream come to fruition. I am hoping to enrol in a year long college evening course in patisserie and confectionery and am looking into options and locations to start up my business once I have done my course. We both feel like we need a fresh start so we are looking at a complete relocation. At the Catalyst festival I went to a seminar about turning your creative talent into a business. It was delivered by a lady who had started a creative business following a lengthy and traumatic health trial. I got lots of helpful practical tips from the seminar but it also made me realise that I need to straighten out my priorities right now. The lady in the seminar had used her creative gifting and skills to help distract her from her health troubles but she still dealt with them. I realised I was not doing that. I was approaching the whole thing with an attitude of replacement - I can't have a baby so this business will be my baby, I'll start up a cafe instead. God has highlighted to me that this attitude is not healthy. I can still dream, I can still do things like my course to help my dreams come true but I need to grieve as well. Having a business, becoming a professional baker or confectioner will not replace the children I will never have. I need to grieve, heal and recover at the same time as moving towards my new goals. I also think it is healthy to pause the progress of my creative dreams to allow me time to back track and grieve. I can still do the course but I need to make sure I am dealing with what has happened to me as well. This means it may be more than a year before we move away. I have paused my mindset and reset to allow me to grieve and process. That has meant lots of tears and questions already!

I have a God given mother's heart.

As the name of this blog reflects I believe I am made to nurture. Until recently I thought I was made to nurture my own biological or adopted children. I thought I was made to nurture children in my own home and family. Now it looks like I will not meet my own children in this life I am starting to realise that God can and is honouring my mother's heart in other ways. I nurture and mother the students I encounter every day at work and I have a heart to reach out to people with learning disabilities and love to meet their needs. At the Catalyst festival I felt God encouraging me through other people's children. I found myself more than once with little ones seeking me out and coming to me for cuddles and entertainment. I realised that me spending time valuing and loving their children blessed my friends who were the children's parents. I can outwork my mother's heart by loving other people's children. I'm currently praying this through and trying to work out how I can best love my friends by loving their children whilst also looking after my own heart. I have had a recurring picture during worship times of me surrounded by pre-school aged children but knowing that none of them are mine. This is both encouraging and painful. I found when I was running around with, colouring with, having cuddles with and spending time with these little ones who sought me out my heart was both heavy and healing. It encouraged me that there are children (and their parents) who benefit from and are blessed by my love and care even if the adoption agency wont let us continue. However I had to give these children back and say goodbye, I had to go back to a child free tent, come home to a child free flat. This really pulls at my emotions. In reference to my previous post I am also going back in my emotions to process and grieve the potential children we could have had. This meant there was one very messy afternoon at the Catalyst festival where I dissolved in tears while cooking dinner. It was the start of a process that needed to happen but it wasn't comfortable. The evening meeting after that tearful dinner was spent, for a bit, with a lovely little girl in my arms which was lovely and difficult at the same time. Processing emotions around not being able to have my own children while loving on other people's children is both messy and beautiful. I also found it really hard when the children I was spending time with were tired or hurt - they only wanted their parents. It really hurts that I will never be that comforting, fulfilling presence that a child longs for from a parent when they need it most.

I am a child of the living God.

Through everything that has been going on recently I have really been struggling with my identity, I didn't know who I was. I also couldn't sing worship songs that talked about God being good or that he would never let us down. I felt completely defined by the fact that I can't have children and we can't adopt. I could not reconcile our unmet desire to be parents and our failed natural attempts, fertility treatments, IVF and adoption attempt with a good God who doesn't let us down. When I had my messy meltdown while cooking dinner a good, trusted friend who is also an elder in our church was at our tent talking to Neil. He had to pick up the pieces (and stir our dinner to prevent it from burning!) He told me, among other things, that I was a child of the living God and asked me to repeat it. I couldn't repeat it. It was like something was physically stopping those words from coming out of my mouth and stopping the truth of those words from penetrating my heart. All I could think and say was how much of a horrible person I was, I couldn't see the truth and felt like a failure. Then our friend said something that made my thinking start to change. He said that Jesus promised in the Bible that he would never leave us and that he gave good gifts to his children. I heard this but didn't really believe it. He then said that Jesus also promised in the Bible that he would rise from the dead and that as we know that is true we can trust that all the other promises in the Bible are true. That was when my thinking changed. I know Jesus kept his promise to rise from the dead so I know he will keep the other promises too. I may never understand why all this has happened this side of heaven but I know Jesus will never leave me and that he is good and will not let me down. I can't really remember much more of the conversation but by the end of it I was tentitavly able to say 'I am a child of the living God'. This truth was repeated in the evening worship and I was able to receive it, I even wrote it in my journal in big bubble writing! This morning, at church we sang a song that talked about God being good and that he will never let us down. I was able to sing it this morning.

I spent some time serving on the team working with adults with learning disabilities at the festival. There was a moment where I made a connection with a young lady who was questioning her future and whether God really loved and valued her. I made eye contact with her while singing and signing 'the Father Himself loves you' and I knew she knew that God valued her and loved her for who she is. In that moment I knew that to be true for me too. God uses broken people to serve broken people.

I am slowly healing from the trauma of trying and not suceeding to have children but have slowed down my moving on to ensure I grieve and recover fully. I have readjusted my thinking to view myself as a mother. I have realigned my emotions and feelings to allow myself to love other people's children. I am starting to plan how I can practically love our friends' children whilst also healing my own heart. That's what I got from this year's Catalyst festival.

A crushing blow

This has got to be the hardest post I have had to write. The last post I wrote on this blog was about how, as prospective adopters we were expectant parents. Now, I have to write to tell you all that we are no longer expectant parents. Our adoption agency have told us we cannot go forward with the adoption. It's looking like we will not be adoptive parents and it's highly likely we will not be parents at all. We have both been completely knocked sideways by this and are very upset and quite angry. In this post, I will attempt to explain what has happened in the run up to, during and in the aftermath of this decision. Please bear with me as I try to process this through writing my blog.

The run up - shaken but all is not lost

A month or so ago the half marathon I had been training for for months was cancelled at the last minute due to snow. This was a Sunday. As the roads were supposed to be closed in the morning for the run our church service was happening in the afternoon, like every year. We went to church in the afternoon having had a completely different day to what we had been expecting and had prepared for. Last year Neil got formally diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome. I have some professional experience in this area and had been helping him out for years with issues he had with coping with different types of change and some social situations. When we started thinking about adoption we thought we'd get an official diagnosis so we could be completely transparent and Neil would not just come across as an angry man. As part of his Asperger's Neil has hypersensitive hearing and is particularly bothered by loud, bassy music - it causes him physical pain. On this particular Sunday Neil found the worship at church particularly uncomfortable and he had to leave the room. Unfortunately, he looked back at me as he left and thought (wrongly) I was upset with him. He came back and took my hand and we left the room quickly and quite roughly to outside eyes. The change of plan in the morning, the hypersensitivity to noise and misunderstanding my emotions all led to Neil getting very upset and needing help from a friend to calm down. The situation was dealt with and we sorted out our differences. The friend who helped him calm down was one of our references for the adoption.

2 weeks ago our social worker met with that friend and his wife to gather a verbal reference. The Sunday after that meeting the friends fed back to us about the meeting. They said the incident had come up in discussion and they had sensitively explained what had happened and what we had been doing since to improve things and make sure that didn't happen again. They said that they had gotten the impression from our social worker that, although we needed to discuss it, it wouldn't necessarily stop us moving forward. 

We were a bit worried but still quite hopeful. We were not cross at all with our friends for telling our social worker about what had happened. We were going to tell him anyway.

The blow is dealt

Last Thursday we were called to a meeting with our social worker and his team manager. During the meeting we each had to separately explain the incident and our perspective on it and then explain what we were doing about it, strategies we were using and how we were ensuring it didn't happen again. They listened and praised us for the strategies we had put in place and were planning on putting in place. They then explained that having a child, particularly an adopted child leaves you subject to several sudden changes every day. They then said that people with Asperger's could not easily adapt to change or had issues doing so. After listing all our positives (which I think all related to me) they just said that we couldn't be adoptive parents with them at this time due to the issues with Asperger's and change. As they had said 'at this time' I asked when we could adopt. They could not give us a timescale and simply kept saying we weren't ready. I told them it wasn't a fair decision and they started raising things that have previously been quoted as positives about us both as reasons why we're not right to be adoptive parents. They didn't even say sorry.

In addition to all this we found out a month or so ago that our landlord is selling our flat and there was a viewing that day about an hour after we left the meeting. We couldn't cancel it so we went from this awful meeting to Costa and hid at the back drowning our sorrows in chocolate!

The immediate aftermath

We were, and are completely devastated and feel like we are being discriminated against. It really feels like another miscarriage. For years we have been fighting and praying for God to fulfil the deepest desires of our hearts (possibly deeper desire for me than Neil). Now this! I am really struggling to reconcile a kind, loving God who only wants good things for me with this current circumstance. On the other hand I'm also leaning into God and relying on his love, peace and comfort to get me through this ordeal. It's a very strange experience having these two feelings side by side.

What now?

We may have a case to raise for discrimination but not yet. If we do make a complaint it will not be to change the decision, that has been made and we cannot change it. It will be to make sure this kind of discrimination does not happen to other people. I do not want others to go through the pain and trauma we are currently going through. We need to deal with our hearts first and foremost and try to heal and come back from this. We will take our time. We are planning on speaking to a social worker from Home for Good (a Christian adoption support charity) to get a second opinion and a bit of support from someone in the know.

Right now we are in survival mode and trying to come to terms with the fact that we are unlikely to become parents. We have both taken a few days off work and are hunkering down and spending as much time hurting together as possible. We have a wonderful support network and are being looked after. People are offering meals, space and support as we deal with this blow.

We are slowly starting to think about the future. We can try naturally but it is far from easy for us for physical and psychological reasons. This is something we need to pray and think about. At this stage I feel like, if we try naturally and conceive then what on earth was the point of this trauma and all the years of trying and IVF trauma?! Maybe we will find a way to be parents but we really need to prepare our hearts and minds for the fact that our outcome of this struggle may well be to live as a childless couple.

I have been re-reading a book called Resurrection Year about a couple who were in a similar situation and made a drastic change and pursued a different dream together. We have been discussing what out own resurrection year would look like. We have both said that if the result of this is that we live a childless life we want to give ourselves a brand new challenge, move away, have an adventure together. I have a few business dreams that we are now looking into more seriously. Maybe it's time to pursue a different dream.

Expectant

For the first time in a year and a half I can now say that Neil and I are expectant parents. We are preparing our hearts and our home to welcome in our child. For us, though we will likely have more than nine months for this preparation. This is because I'm not pregnant; we have stepped into the world of preparing to adopt. We are in the middle of stage 1 and are currently learning all about why children need to find adoptive families, how their experiences affect things like attachment and how we as adoptive parents can help them find their place in the world. We have had conversations with each other and with social workers about the type of child we feel we could welcome into our family and have started planning changes to our home to make it more child friendly.

Transition

I am still infertile, I will always be infertile (barring a miracle). I will always be mother to eight little ones in heaven. They will always be part of my story. But now I am in a process that is highly likely to end with a child in our home. I'm not under any illusions about the adoption process, I'm well aware that things could go wrong and we might not get approved to bring home a child. However, our agency have said that they do everything they can to get you approved and help you deal with issues that would stop this as and when they arise. After all being pregnant is no guarantee that you are going to have a baby in your home. All that being said I am currently in transition from childless mother to expectant mother. It's a strange feeling because I still feel sad when others announce pregnancies or I see others interacting with their children but it's through a different lens. Unlike a pregnant expectant mum I don't have a clear time limit on my waiting (although I have rough guidelines for the different stages) but I still feel hope that one day in the not too distant future I will be interacting with my own child and celebrating the day they get to share our surname. Another difference when you are expectant through adoption rather than pregnancy is that there are no outward signs. When you see a lady with a baby bump you know she will soon be mummy, when you see me you have no idea that I am an expectant mummy. That is one of the things that makes the transition quite tricky to navigate as people don't know why I'm having to make changes in my life. We have to get voluntary experience with children so have had to cancel some commitments to prioritise these activities and have also had to have lots of evenings just reading and studying which makes us quite tired. 

Grieving

One thing I have learnt a lot about throughout this whole journey to parenthood is grieving. The grief of infertility is unique in it's duration and repetitive nature. It is relentless. But it is still possible to move through the stages of grief during infertility and come to a place of acceptance. I am there now. I have accepted that, for such a time as this, I will not have a biological child. I will have a child to love, nurture and raise but they will not share my genetic information. With God's help I have made peace with this fact. Recently, however, I have realised there are lots of little things that I also need to grieve. One of my colleagues is pregnant and the other day fellow colleagues were getting all excited trying to guess whether she's having a boy or a girl. I was left feeling very sad and it struck me that I'm not going to have that moment where people gaze at my bump and guess if it's a girl or a boy. It's a bit of a silly example but it's another thing I need to grieve. At this stage we don't know how old or able our child will be. We may never have to cope with nappy changes, night feeds, toilet training, weaning to solid foods and many other things. These are things that I'm sure many parents would not wish to repeat but they are valuable, necessary parts of parenting and if our child has passed through these stages when they come home with us they will be other things we will have to grieve. This ongoing, complex grief is one reason, I believe, that the adoption process involves such lengthy, in depth paperwork and interviews; so you can be sure you have worked through it all. I am certainly getting there.

Faithful God

Five years ago I received a promise from God that I would have a child to raise and nurture in my home with my husband. A turbulent journey with fertility treatment, IVF, miscarriage and failed medical tests has seriously rocked my faith in God's ability to make good on this promise. I'm beginning to realise that the child I am made to nurture does not have to grow inside me for me to nurture them. I count myself privileged to be in a position where I can provide nurturing love, care and attention to a child who has had a difficult start in life. My prayer life has been adversely affected by all that has happened and I still really struggle to pray for myself in any respect. I have been unable to pray for a baby for myself for 2 years, since my first miscarriage. I am now able to pray for this adoption to be successful but I am very careful with my wording, praying more for the child and Neil than myself. I am fortunate to have a support network of people who pray for me and who pray for my journey to be mummy as I am unable to do it myself. It is strange because I still believe that God keeps his promises and answers prayer but I have been waiting so long and had so many disappointments I cannot bring myself to utter those prayers anymore. My prayer life is wobbly at best but I am trying to get better. We have already had some setbacks and difficulties in this adoption process but I am trying to remember to trust God with these things and bring them to Him in prayer.