Drawing a line in the sand

When you embark upon a journey you encounter landmarks along the way and collect memories. Moments you will never forget, days you will always remember and mark, memorable dates. Our infertility journey has had several such landmark days. I have created a map of our fertility journey with all the landmark days marked around the path. Most of our landmarks are related to some form of medical treatment but I have also included the days we attended our church festival, Catalyst and Rhythm of Hope, the Christian infertility retreat we attend. God has spoken to both of us at these events (and other times too) about various things to do with our fertility journey and our path to parenthood and these events have shaped our journey along this bumpy path. The day I ran 10k and raised £600 for Fertility Network UK also features on the map as it was part of my recovery from the miscarriage.

The eagle eyed amongst you will notice the last two points on the map are a decision to stop IVF and fertility treatment and move on to adoption. This is a new landmark on our journey and something I've not written about on here before. In January we went to Rhythm of Hope and were refreshed and refuelled on our journey. For me, this retreat day feels like coming up for air in the stormy sea that is infertility. God ministered hugely to both of us during this day but I had a sense of a particular message. At this point we had just had our recurrent loss tests and had 1 healthy frozen embryo left. My consultant had just started me on some medication to manage my polycystic ovarian syndrome and the plan amongst the medical professionals involved with me was to continue with this medication for a few months before going for embryo transfer number 4. The doctors were hopeful for my next transfer; Neil and I were not. During the worship at the retreat day I had a strong feeling God was telling us to draw a line in the sand. I felt called to stop all fertility treatment, donate our final healthy embryo to another couple who cannot make embryos of their own and move on to pursue adoption in order to complete our family. I shared this with Neil and with others when we got home and there followed several months of prayer and pursuing treatment for the final embryo transfer.

We were advised to continue trying towards transfer #4 as a way of testing and weighing this word from God. It was a way of seeing whether I was just thinking about stopping treatment because I was tired and fed up of being put through the wringer. I tried to go ahead with the transfer at the end of February and was told that I could not go ahead yet as the clinic needed my latest test results (which had been done by a different hospital) and it was up to me to get the results. It took me 6 weeks to get hold of the results. When the clinic did get the results there was a problem with my thyroid level which had been missed by my consultant. I then had to arrange a retest of my thyroid levels. They came back 0.25 too high. The fertility clinic wouldn't transfer an embryo at that level and that my GP would have to treat it first. My GP said my level wasn't high enough to treat. There was also more admin issues and general frustration thrown in. It all felt like pushing water uphill. It shouldn't be this hard. A chat with some dear friends confirmed what we were thinking; what I had heard/felt was from God, the time has come to draw a line in the sand and move on.

This has been a very difficult and emotional decision to make but we both have complete peace about moving on. We attended a Saying Goodbye service (memorial for babies lost at any stage) a few days after we made our decision. It was very emotional but helped us say goodbye to our lost babies as well as the idea of having a baby via IVF. We may be able to get pregnant naturally but right now that holds too much anxiety and stress for me to contemplate. We are excited about moving on to adoption.

I will be phoning the clinic this week to start the process of stopping and donating our embryo to another couple. They are unlikely to let us do this easily as their policy is only to do this when you have embryos left after successful treatment. We are so certain this is what God wants us to do we have to ask. Please, if you pray, ask God that this phone call will go in our favour. I will also go to the GP to ask about my medication for my PCOS. I may need to stay on this as it helps other symptoms as well as infertility but if my hormone levels are OK I could come off it gradually, which would be great.

So we are drawing a line in the sand and moving on.