We are our for lunch. My husband is placing the order and I have to find a table. Simple enough. I look around and the only unoccupied table I can see has a high chair around it. I move the high chair away, as we obviously don't need it, and sit down. Fine. Only I'm not fine. I find myself beset by a wave of emotion because we don't need a high chair. As things stand I don't know if we'll ever need a high chair as I don't know if we'll ever have a baby. It's the new year bank holiday today and I feel like I have limped through the most child, and baby, orientated time of the year. I have had some lovely times with family and really enjoyed having lots and lots of quality time with hubby. I've even enjoyed doing a couple of shifts in the learning disability care home where I used to work full time. But the whole time I have had in the back of my mind a niggling feeling that something is missing. Maybe it's because I was pregnant during the last festive season but I've really felt the pain of childlessness through the recent festivities. I was doing ok, I was starting to come out of the fog and think about going back to work tomorrow. I was doing fine till I had to move that high chair. As silly as it sounds I felt as if me moving that high chair away from our table was equivalent to me standing on a table and shouting to the whole coffee shop about our infertility and loss. Told you it was silly!
I have determined to do better at spending time with God this year and doing this infertility journey with Him in the driving seat. With that in mind I reflect on this experience praying that we will one day have need of a high chair. However I also pray that my heart will heal so that I can enjoy time together with hubby even if we don't end up with a baby. It's been 6 months since our last loss, I am surprised by how raw my feelings still are.
