Wednesday 31 August 2016

Empty nest syndrome

I have empty nest syndrome. Yes I know that this is a phrase used to refer to people whose children have grown up and left home. And yes I realise I have never actually had any living children. But having an empty nest describes how I feel precisely just now.

You'd think I'd be used to coming home to an empty, quiet house after nearly 5 years of infertility etc. But I'm not used to it. It's one of the hardest things of this whole process. I think it's exasperated by the fact that I work shifts and often come home alone when Neil is out at work. This is not how I envisioned my life to be at 33. It's not that I don't like my life as it is now, I just thought things would be different. I thought that my home would be a child friendly environment by now. I had imagined that instead of coming home alone to an empty house. At 33 I imagined I would be struggling through the door with a tantrumming toddler in tow and a hungry baby in the buggy. I'm also sad for Neil. He should be coming home to little ones eager to see Daddy. I give him a warm welcome if I'm here. We have a good life just not the life I've imagined for us.

A few years ago we visited the penguins at Edinburgh zoo. They had little dishes built into the poolside in their enclosure. These dishes were their nests and each one was occupied by a penguin couple. When we visited the chicks had just hatched. Each little dish was home to at least one little bundle of fluff being cared for by its parents. Each dish but one. There was one penguin couple whose eggs had failed to hatch. Their nest was empty. The keepers said that the two penguins with the empty nest could often be seen paying attention to the chicks in the other nests. The keepers gave them extra attention so they didn't get carried away with the other chicks. That picture of the penguins with the empty nest has stayed with me over the years. It made me realise that society gets it wrong sometimes! The common use of the phrase 'empty nest syndrome' implies that the nest has been full before it was empty. Actually sometimes you make a nest and make all the preparations for a child and things don't go to plan. Sometimes your nest is always empty.

I find it really hard not to be jealous of friends and even strangers who get to go home to children. I have to remember that I am living the life God has for me. Like those penguins with the empty nest I like spending time with other people's children but, also like them, struggle seeing my own empty nest in amongst other's full nests. I find it hard to maintain friendships and relationships with those who have what I so desire but I am trying. Those penguins really benefited from being amongst other penguin families & the same applies to me. I have always struggled with boundaries and friendships & this situation just complicates things. I need families around me but sometimes I don't make it easy to be around me. And sometimes being around families is not easy for me.

My prayer is that one day my nest will be fuller. For now, though, I will learn to enjoy life in an empty nest.

Sunday 14 August 2016

Due

You were due yesterday. Our hearts should have been full of excitement and anticipation for your imminent arrival. Instead they are full of sadness and disappointment. We should have been trying to get our heads around bringing you home and learning to look after you. Instead we are trying to get our heads around the fact that another of your siblings has joined you in heaven. This one stayed with me for an even shorter time than you did. Our hearts should have been bursting with love for a new little person. Instead they are breaking at the fact that our babies never stay with me long enough for us to meet them. We still love you all though and look forward to meeting our ever growing heavenly family. We should have been getting our house ready for you, hanging a mobile above your cot. Instead our nursery remains just the spare room & we are hanging yet another paper star on our family memorial tree.
You were due yesterday.