Tomorrow I'm running in a 10k race to raise money for Infertility Network UK. It's the climax of my physical recovery from miscarriage and the start of getting ready for transferring our next frozen embryo. As I've been training for the race I've been thinking about the inevitable comparison with the metaphorical race of life. Going through infertility and miscarriage is like running up a never-ending hill. I'm tired, it hurts and I can't see how I can possibly carry on. But those feelings come in a physical run too. And on the most part I carry on and feel much better for it at the end. I'm really trying to carry that through to the metaphorical race of infertility but it's really hard when you can't see the end.
Last night was one of the hills in my metaphorical race. We went to the monthly board games night ran by our church. It was overwhelmed with families with really young babies. At least it felt that way to me! I lost my baby while these mums were pregnant and seeing them all together felt like a huge reminder of what I've lost. One of the babies belongs to some friends who we are enjoying getting to know better. I've been trying to psych myself up to hold their baby since she was born. Last night I did and shortly after she started crying so bad they had to go home. I know it wasn't about me but boy that was hard! It made me want to run and hide right there. But I didn't and what's more I went to church this morning. Yes I cried my way through the service but I was there. We were able to get prayer at the end from some good friends which really helped. I do feel like I am falling apart a lot of the time. There is some other stuff going on in my life just now too and I don't feel strong enough. But I have been reminded that I don't need to be! God's strong enough to carry it all.
So tomorrow I'll be running my physical race thinking about my metaphorical race. I may feel like giving up in both but I know I can survive both races.
