Still there!

After being convinced by the scientists that not all of our little blobs would make it to today(day 3) we started praying hard. For my own peace of mind I feel I need at least 5 to make it to testing on Saturday. I told God that in my prayer and he came through! All 8 are still there and looking good! I know that we will be left with just the right amount but the fact that the numbers haven't started dropping yet gives me hope! Which is what I need right now! I've included a picture of embryos at day 3, that's what our little blobs look like! You can see they have only got about 6 to 8 cells. When they test then they take out one or more complete cells. If they were to do that at this stage they would take 1/6 or 1/8 of the whole thing, hampering it's chances of transferring successfully. So they wait until they've grown to day 5 or 6 which is called the blastocyst stage and has many more cells. The embryologist reminded me that just because they've all made it to day 3 doesn't mean they'll all make it to day 5. But they weren't all suposed to make it this far so I'm now confident we should get a decent number to test. Will keep praying hard for our little blobs!

Numbers

My eggs were collected on Monday in preparation for our IVF treatment. I went in with 24 follicles but we only got 12 eggs. Yesterday I had a phonecall to tell me that only 8 had fertilised successfully. That means we have 8 embryos (we have nick named them blobs!) that need to develop enough cells to undergo the genetic testing we need. Today one of the ladies on the Facebook support group I'm part of posted that she had 21 eggs retrieved from 30 follicles. Everyone keeps telling me my numbers are really good but I found it really hard to congratulate her knowing my numbers are so low in comparison. Embryos have to get to day 5 for testing and it's unlikely a while batch will get there. We will have a phonecall tomorrow (day 3) to see how many have made it that far then again on Saturday (day 5) with numbers for testing. I know God is in control and that just the right amount of embryos have fertilised but I'm finding it hard to trust Him with such low numbers. I'm praying so hard for my 8 little blobs, I really believe we'll have something to transfer. This treatment has really taken it's toll on my body and I'm not sure I can put myself through it again. The nurse was saying before that if we get low numbers of embryos we might think about going straight into another cycle to bank embryos. But I feel that if we have anything to transfer we should. I also feel that if this cycle doesn't work out we should pursue adoption. But we get 3 funded cycles on the NHS so the sensible thing to do would be to use them. However I'm learning that God's will and the sensible thing to do don't always line up!

The big day

(Guest post by Neil)

Last time I posted on here, I talked about the Father’s Day card I received last year. The day has come round again, and I am hopefully on the eve of, in a sense, finally becoming a father – though not (yet) father of an actual child I can hold in my arms. For tomorrow is the day we have been building up to for the last few weeks: the day of egg (and sperm) collection. By the end of the day, if all goes according to plan, there will exist one or more embryos containing both my genetic material and Cara’s.

It’s been frustrating watching everything my wife has had to put herself through to get to this stage, and not being able to share in her suffering or take it away. I really do have it easy – I hardly have to do anything tomorrow, but she has to undergo a procedure under sedation. And just to put her body in the right condition for this to happen, she has had to inject herself in the stomach every day for the last 10 days, and put up with the bloated feeling and other physical effects (while still working shifts of up to 14 hours at a time).

But the good news is we know it’s all been worthwhile, because Cara’s scan on Friday showed that the drugs have done exactly what they were supposed to, and her ovaries have been working overtime to produce eggs for fertilisation. After that’s happened, Cara will have a well-deserved rest from drugs and scans until the time comes for implantation – probably in August. If that works, we will then be facing the very real prospect of becoming parents to an actual screaming, burping, waking-you-up-in-the-small-hours human being.

I mentioned before how God used last year’s Catalyst Festival to tell me that fatherhood was part of his plan for me, despite my misgivings about my own ability. This year, at the same event, he reassured me that I am a good father – not will be, but am, because that’s who he has made me. Parenthood is going to be massively hard work for both of us, probably harder than we can begin to imagine. But we’re made in God’s image, which I reckon makes us pretty good parents.

Feeling loved!

I started this week feeling (not thinking) quite isolated and alone in this journey. In my new job your not allowed to use your personal phone on shift and 14 hours without any support from outside has hugely contributed to my feelings of isolation. Coupled with stress and exhaustion and side effects from the nasal spray my emotions have been all over the place. All this left me feeling rather rubbish and I was beginning to feel unloved! Until today. I worked a sleep shift last night which meant a long day yesterday and getting home at 11 this morning. I came home to chocolate from my amazing hubby and the prospect of spending the afternoon with a friend. After a short rest I had a lovely afternoon with my friend and her kids. I got to have lots of baby cuddles which really helped focus my mind on why I'm putting myself through all of this! My injections start tonight so it was really nice to have some company and take my mind off things. Just as I was leaving she gave me some flowers, how lovely. The flowers especially have helped to line my feelings back up with my knowledge! I've taken a picture so that when those unloved feelings start to creep in I have a reminder of the truth! I am not alone and today has really helped remind me that there are people who love us and want to support us through our journey. Now I've just got to psych myself up to stick a needle in my stomach tonight!

Progress

We had our next IVF appointment this morning and it went swimmingly! We're all set to progress with the treatment cycle. If all goes as well as it has done so far we will be 'parents' of embryos in less than a month! It's really quite overwhelming when you put it like that! I'm very grateful to God for how smooth our journey has been so far. I still have a sense of peace about the whole thing but my feelings and emotions have been a bit haywire. It's a very strange feeling to be at peace but feeling so emotional and irrational at the same time. I take every little thing personally and feel like people are against me, even Neil! I know it's not true and is likely just a side effect but it takes it out of me feeling like this. I don't even know how to pray about it. But it will all be over soon and we can start on the adventure of embryo transfer and all that should come after that. I'm really grateful that all I have to deal with is lack of sleep and irrational emotions for a few days.