Monday 27 April 2015

Pain

What with the highs of our appointment and the healing miracles I don't know how I'm supposed to deal with the fact that infertility still causes me pain. The sting of childlessness is still ever present and if anything is more acute since finding out God is getting my body ready to carry a child. I'm still waiting for my monthly to start so I can phone the unit. Even when I phone my meds won't start till day 21 and we're probably looking at 4 months before we can implant an embryo. And it might not take first time. Before we started on the IVF road infertility was all about pain and no hope, now I have hope but still plenty of pain. I knew how to call with pain when that's all there was. Now, of I'm honest I feel like a bit of a fraud. Is it OK to still find it impossibly hard a lot of the time? Does it play down the hope from the miracles and IVF appointment success if I still get upset because I am childless? Is it acceptable to still find it difficult to be around parents and babies? I don't know the answers to these questions, just wish I could stop feeling like a fraud!

Tuesday 21 April 2015

God's timing

Last summer we had three areas in our lives where we needed major breakthrough from God. Firstly we needed to move as our flat was in a really bad area and very moldy and damp and small. I needed to find a new job that didn't involve an hour and a half commute or have the same levels of stress and concern as my current job. Finally, and probably most obviously on this blog, we needed breakthrough in our infertility and to become parents! In my plan, fueled by worldly impatience, I imagined all three happening within weeks of each other. In my head, all three prayers being answered simultaneously would be my proof that God had not forgotten about us. It did not happen like that, can you imagine my stress levels if it did! I really thought I could move house, start a new job and be newly pregnant all at the same time! I now realised that God had not abandoned us and his timing and wisdom is perfect! We moved into a lovely flat in October last year. Next month I start a new job in a local Christian care charity. Finally, all being well with IVF we'll be ready to implant an embryo in August. I know this may not lead to a healthy pregnancy but at least I should be settled in my new job by the time I am pregnant. Looking back everything has happened at just the right time, or will happen at just the right time. I'm sure this won't stop me praying impatient prayers in the future but hopefully I can learn to better trust God's timing!

Sunday 19 April 2015

Miracles!

After rather scarily standing up in front of the whole church this morning and testifying to the miraculous healings that have taken place in my body in preparation for IVF, I thought I'd better post about them!
When we started this whole process nearly 2 years ago we both went through various diagnostic tests. Neil was found to be without issue. With me they found 3 issues that were likely to be contributing to our infertility. Firstly I was diagnosed with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) for which I had 6 months worth of medication for but did not get pregnant. I have realised though that although I view the medication as unsuccessful it has left me with a regular cycle for the first time in years! Secondly, my internal scans showed my womb was an abnormal shape (it had a dip in it so was heart shaped rather than triangular) and I also had polyps. I had an operation to remove the polyps about a year ago and they said then the shape didn't need anything doing to it but it was another thing against us. Thirdly the tests confirmed I have a genetic balanced translocation of chromosomes 13 & 15 meaning any embryos I produce carry a high risk of not containing the right genetic material to be viable. We are having IVF with PGD to deal with this.
At our appointment last Monday I had a baseline scan. Amazingly the scan showed my womb now has a much smaller dip and is much more of a normal shape! In addition I no longer have PCOS apparently! The nurse said I have probably been misdiagnosed. I know I have been healed! Ever since being diagnosed I have been praying God would heal my PCOS. I always thought however that that healing would be confirmed with a positive pregnancy test. That's why this healing has been hard for me to acknowledge I think. The nurse actually said my ovaries were some of the best she'd seen! They appear polycystic because I naturally produce more follicles than normal. That stands me in great stead for IVF and means I shouldn't need a high dose of medication. An average baseline is 14-16 follicles, my baseline was 28 follicles! Going into this IVF I thought I had the shape of my womb and the PCOS going against me. Now I know the only issue is the genetic condition which is why we're doing IVF in the first place! Praise God for the way he's preparing my body for IVF! Soon I'll be able to announce the miracle of pregnancy, God willing.

Monday 13 April 2015

All set!

We had our nurse planning consultation for IVF with PGD today. It couldn't have gone better! We now know all the details of our treatment plan and when things should happen. We need to wait for my next cycle to start then I can get going on the meds. All being well we should be implanting around August time. I'm writing this blog to process how I feel about it all, the truth is I'm relieved we can finally get going. At the same time I'm impatient to start as at the end of the day I'm still childless. But now we have real hope, hope with dates attached! There is a lot about today that was absolutely an answer to prayer so I give the glory back to God for that! I guess I'm still processing what went on and am happy but also emotionally drained! I expect there'll be more posts in the next few days!

Tuesday 7 April 2015

An open letter to Mums of little ones from their friends struggling through infertility

Dear friend,
Firstly thank you for letting us enjoy time with your children. Seeing them grow and develop into little people gives us hope that miracles happen. Especially if you have had a difficult journey to parenthood, setting you with your kids brings joy to our hearts. Most of the time. There are inevitably times we'll struggle to see parents and children. Sometimes the pain of childlessness is too much to bear and it's easier to run and hide and isolate ourselves. Please don't be offended if we distance ourselves from you for a time but also please check in on us from time to time. The burden of infertility treatment weighs on our hearts in different ways each day. Sometimes it changes hourly! Sometimes we need to be alone to cry other times we need to be around busy, functioning families. Most of the time we just need a friend. Even if we seem low and your children are buzzing around you please don't feel like you can't be the one to ask if we're OK and offer a friendly hug. You might be the only one to offer and if you hold back because of your kids we end up feeling even more isolated. If we're finding it too much with your children around we will tell you. Infertility is a lonely isolating journey, you being willing to travel with us really helps. Please don't feel awkward around us with your kids, we feel awkward enough for the both of us! Please don't withdraw from us because you think it will sharpen the pain having kids around. It may do but just knowing someone still wants to be your friend speaks volumes. Let us be the ones to withdraw if we feel the need. The pain of infertility is ever present and sometimes we just need a bit of normality and fun to take our minds of things. Some of us are going through grueling treatments that take their toll on our bodies, minds and spirits. Please bear with us in this time, our emotions are often out of our control and some IVF meds cause us to experience menopausal symptoms which can be embarrassing. It's often at this time more than ever that we need fun and business.
Thank you friend for sharing in the ups and downs of our journey through infertility. We couldn't do it without you!
In love
Your friend. X

Sunday 5 April 2015

Easter threw me a curve ball!

Today is Easter Sunday. Christ is risen, hallelujah! Today is a really happy day! However, at church this morning I felt far from happy. I knew I should be happy, I am happy that I can share in Christ's resurrection life. But for me, in the moment, for some reason the sting of childlessness was more acute than it has been for a long time. As I was sat in church fighting back the tears it struck me that, at its heart, Easter is about hope and new life and I am putting my all into the hope that IVF will bring about new life for our family. I guess I found it hard because it's another celebration we have to face without children. I know we have hope in Christ and I know that we will be parents. But we're not now. I still had to laugh at other people's children wearing bunny ears. For whatever reason the pain of childlessness is particularly sharp today. It's just another day to wonder when it will be my turn. I didn't expect this today. On Sundays like mother's day and baby dedications and even Christmas I expect to feel the pain but I wasn't prepared to fell so upset today!

Wednesday 1 April 2015

A strange turn of events

Today I started my monthly cycle. I was due on Friday making it 6 days late. Before I started fertility treatment I was far from regular and this would have been nothing unusual. For the past year however, since being on ovulation meds (clomid) and the 4 cycles since I stopped the meds I've been exactly 28 days (with only one blip of a 40 day cycle). You get very used to counting days on this journey! Because I was quite late considering my recent pattern, last night I took a pregnancy test. It was negative and I was surprised to find I was incredibly relieved! I've taken a fair few pregnancy tests in my time and normally I'm crushed when it's negative, but not this time. I've been reflecting on my feelings all day and have realised that, now we're approved for IVF, natural conception holds even more fear for me. Due to my genetic balanced translocation the chances of a natural conception ending in miscarriage or serious foetal abnormalities are much higher than average. Therefore if I was pregnant, and were came off the list for IVF, and then the pregnancy ended we'd have to go through everything again to get back on the list. If that's what we decided to do. All of this has made me realise that IVF may just be God's way of taking the fear of miscarriage out of my pregnancy. I have lived with the knowledge of my BT for most of my life and have always been scared of miscarrying. Naturally that fear has intensified during this journey. IVF is a way of managing the risk and reducing the fear. I still might miscarry but with the genetic risk removed my chances are similar to others. I can cope with that! Thank you God for IVF!